Jun 20Liked by Tina Lee Forsee, After Dinner Conversation
Relationships are not about keeping score, but a relationship that is too lopsided will eventually topple over. Clara and Sienna’s friendship was headed that way, with Clara in perpetual rescuer mode.
I, too, had a monster, and I am now in my 60s. The story’s ending wraps up Sienna’s emotional journey neatly, but in real life this kind of chronic abuse and neglect takes a lifetime to heal and the scars are a part of who you are until the day you die.
1. I want to believe that Sienna's father was better than his father - because he so badly wanted and needed to believe it. He may also have been looking around at other people and/or monsters in his community - or the monster that he didn't think himself to be.
When Sienna's father went into Sienna with the razor blade, that was physical violence.
Some people are monsters because they groom other people; some people are monsters because they are neglectful of people's needs.
He kept the cycle up because he evaded justice. Sienna couldn't.
2. Sienna could have found space and time for herself and defended these or simply lived in them. She could have found supportive relationships like the one with Ella - and developed weak ties with people in the neighbourhood. She could have talked about her fears and vulnerabilities - if not about herself; then about other people in the third person.
She could have shown interest in him as a person.
Some of these come in as "not a child's job". Even though they would be the right/ideal things to do.
3. Sierra's lashing out comes out of her fight response - if it was temporary it would have been healthy.
Keeping score might at first have been from a hope that he would be held accountable - and that she would never forget what was done to her.
Developing her artistic talent and planning for a life away from him.
Making an impact statement and involving the elders and peers of her community.
Bringing things into the light.
4. Yes, it is possible for a non-religious person to be equally thoughtful and understanding.
We can use psychology and philosophy to do this - as well as be aware of our own limits and the other person's.
There are many things which cause Clara to be the way she is. Her choices; the way she was received by her family and community. Things that may have happened in her own life and the lives of others.
Grace and patience are so important!
5. There is a reason that score-keeping is a role in sport.
When people are learning to be with each other they need a sense of pattern and of meaning.
The things which are meaningful in love and in friendship are similar and different in each case.
Keeping score can be a way of protecting ourselves and the other person/people.
Something about pulling it into the open and knowing that's what we are doing - so we can stop or continue.
The "notch" concept is probably another form of abuse.
And a point is a signal.
How important it would have been for Sienna to invest in relationships away from her monstering.
And remember - "The Body Keeps the Score".
Also focusing on how and why we play the game.
Probably not trying to blame or judge people who do keep score.
Relationships are not about keeping score, but a relationship that is too lopsided will eventually topple over. Clara and Sienna’s friendship was headed that way, with Clara in perpetual rescuer mode.
I, too, had a monster, and I am now in my 60s. The story’s ending wraps up Sienna’s emotional journey neatly, but in real life this kind of chronic abuse and neglect takes a lifetime to heal and the scars are a part of who you are until the day you die.
1. I want to believe that Sienna's father was better than his father - because he so badly wanted and needed to believe it. He may also have been looking around at other people and/or monsters in his community - or the monster that he didn't think himself to be.
When Sienna's father went into Sienna with the razor blade, that was physical violence.
Some people are monsters because they groom other people; some people are monsters because they are neglectful of people's needs.
He kept the cycle up because he evaded justice. Sienna couldn't.
2. Sienna could have found space and time for herself and defended these or simply lived in them. She could have found supportive relationships like the one with Ella - and developed weak ties with people in the neighbourhood. She could have talked about her fears and vulnerabilities - if not about herself; then about other people in the third person.
She could have shown interest in him as a person.
Some of these come in as "not a child's job". Even though they would be the right/ideal things to do.
3. Sierra's lashing out comes out of her fight response - if it was temporary it would have been healthy.
Keeping score might at first have been from a hope that he would be held accountable - and that she would never forget what was done to her.
Developing her artistic talent and planning for a life away from him.
Making an impact statement and involving the elders and peers of her community.
Bringing things into the light.
4. Yes, it is possible for a non-religious person to be equally thoughtful and understanding.
We can use psychology and philosophy to do this - as well as be aware of our own limits and the other person's.
There are many things which cause Clara to be the way she is. Her choices; the way she was received by her family and community. Things that may have happened in her own life and the lives of others.
Grace and patience are so important!
5. There is a reason that score-keeping is a role in sport.
When people are learning to be with each other they need a sense of pattern and of meaning.
The things which are meaningful in love and in friendship are similar and different in each case.
Keeping score can be a way of protecting ourselves and the other person/people.
Something about pulling it into the open and knowing that's what we are doing - so we can stop or continue.
The "notch" concept is probably another form of abuse.
And a point is a signal.
How important it would have been for Sienna to invest in relationships away from her monstering.
And remember - "The Body Keeps the Score".
Also focusing on how and why we play the game.
Probably not trying to blame or judge people who do keep score.