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Sienna’s Monster, by Mystee Van Dan
Audio
Podcast discussion
Sienna lived with a monster, but no one else knew it.
The first time Sienna realized that her monster wasn’t like the rest was in 4th grade. The whole grade assembled in the auditorium. A police officer watched them enter from his place on the stage. His stern presence and heavy uniform covered the room in a quiet and serious mood.
Officer Charles told the kids that they had a right to live in a safe home and explained that not every kid had a happy family – some lived with monsters! Little Sienna’s eyes widened with hope.
He is talking about me! I’m not the only one living with a monster?!
She knew Officer Charles would tell them all about her monster, and then save her!
“The signs of living with a monster are easy to spot if you know what to look for. If your friend displays scratches on their body, those may be from a monster. Remember, monsters have four claws on each forelimb, so the scratches come in sets of four and are often quite deep.”
With these words, Officer Charles snuffed out that small spark of hope. Sienna’s monster had never scratched her, at least not yet. She lived in constant fear of the hooked blades at the end of her monster’s fingers, though she had never felt their burn on her skin.
Officer Charles continued, “Monsters also frequently drink alcohol – they need this fuel so they can breathe fire. Of course, humans drink alcohol too, but monsters drink much more at one time and then breathe fire over their whole family soon after. If you or a friend are living with someone who burns their child in fits of anger, these are clear signs of a monster in hiding.”
The officer went on to explain how to help a friend or where to seek help for yourself, but Sienna hardly heard him. She knew then that her monster would never be found out. No one would save her. Sienna’s monster never drank alcohol, and he never scratched her with his forepaws.
But Sienna knew, even at 9, that something was wrong in her life. If nothing was wrong with him, there must be something wrong with her.
Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he wasn’t a monster at all. He always said I was a drama queen. Maybe he was right.
Sienna, September 2020, age 18
As her parents drove away, Sienna wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel. She looked to other faces for a cue, but couldn’t decipher what she saw. Her breaths came shallow and fluttering. She was finally at college. So many unknowns faced her. She didn’t know which one to worry about first. Classes? Homework? Navigating campus? How to arrange her room? Her roommate?
Yes. That was her biggest concern. Who was this person she would have to share a tiny room with for the next year? What if she was terrible and mean? Sienna steeled herself to be strong no matter what horror awaited her.
When Clara first set foot in their fourth floor, ten by nine room with a slanted ceiling, she had a smile on her face. The room was already cramped with two desks, two dressers, and two beds. Clara’s parents followed her in, and the four of them pressed in close to all fit into the small space – Sienna felt suffocated.
Fortunately, Clara’s parents did not stay long. After introducing themselves, they hugged their daughter in turn and relieved the space of their presence.
Clara was Sienna’s height and, to Sienna, the perfect build. She was not skinny, but she was certainly not overweight. Her hair was dark and fell all around her face in bouncy ringlets.
Of course, I would end up with little miss perfect body for a roommate.
Most strikingly, her face was kind and conveyed curiosity and excitement without a hint of fear. Sienna tried mimicking the smile of the girl she was to live with as they said their obligatory pleasantries but guessed it came out lacking the joy smiles are intended to convey.
The freedom of being in college brought more stress than relief to Sienna. She had never been presented with so many choices before. It was all too much sometimes. She was often on edge and found herself irritated by every small thing. It didn’t take long for fights to break out in the small space the two girls called home. But these fights didn’t go as Sienna expected.
Clara did not yell insults and accusations as Sienna did, but she did not back down either. Sienna poured out an unending list of wrongs done since the beginning of time. Clara insisted that Sienna focus on the issue at hand and not bring old arguments into this new one. Clara spoke of fairness and forgiveness. She found solutions where Sienna only saw problems.
Clara was the warm iron to all of Sienna’s wrinkles. She was the eye of Sienna’s hurricane. Remaining calm with Sienna storming all around her. It was this opposition that first had Sienna considering that perhaps something was wrong with her.
Sienna, October 2010, age 8
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” The monster shouted. “Just find your shoes! And comb that rat’s nest. Quick, we’ve got to go!”
Life was always a rush with him. He was never late, and it seemed Sienna couldn’t keep up – especially not at 4 am and 8 years old. Her monster worked early, and her mother worked nights, so Sienna had to get up early and go stay with friends of the family until school started.
Why couldn’t she brush her teeth faster, tie her shoes better, just wake up and know what he wanted? She hated her hair that was always a tangled “rat’s nest” in the morning. She hated that she never did what he expected of her. She hated her eyes that were bright green, like his. She hated herself.
Sienna, September 2020, age 18
Being at college was like stepping into a parallel universe. “Culture shock” was the closest Sienna could come to describing how she felt. She was beginning to understand that her outlook on the world was not normal.
I can put as much cream cheese on my bagel as I want! Why don’t you mind what’s on your own plate?
You expected me to hold the door for you? Can’t you see my hands are full?
What do you care if I go to class or not? Mind your own business.
I can take as long of a shower as I want. There are no rules about shower length.
Sienna was constantly running through conversations in her head – not past ones, but future ones. She was always prepared for accusations and insults. She had to have the perfect defense ready. But for some reason, these accusations rarely came. Here in this place, people were more likely to smile and ask her how she was doing than they were to criticize her every decision.
“The only one criticizing you is you.” Clara had said at one of their many late-night talks. Sienna felt bad for keeping Clara up late so often, but she found that as soon as they laid down to sleep, thoughts rolled out of her mouth unbidden. Clara was always there to listen.
I never made you listen. You could have told me to shut up and gone to bed. You can’t blame me for making you tired.
But Clara never complained. Instead, she patiently continued devoting her time and attention to Sienna long after Sienna proved she did not deserve it. Relationships had a scorecard, and Sienna was losing this match terribly. With every outburst and mean word Sienna spoke, her score with Clara got lower and lower. She was so used to constant battles. Why wouldn’t Clara yell back and even the score?
But for some unknown reason, Clara continued gaining points with kindness and understanding. Clearly Clara was much too good for Sienna. She knew at some point her luck would run out; Clara would realize this relationship was horribly unbalanced and not worth her time, and she would disappear.
In fact, why was she even here now? Clara definitely should have dropped Sienna long ago. Maybe Clara just wanted to win… maybe continuing this lopsided excuse for a friendship was her good deed for the year. That sounded more likely.
Clara had told Sienna she was a Christian. She had made it clear that Jesus was the center of her life. It made sense - putting up with Sienna was just Clara’s Christianly duty. There was no other conceivable reason why Clara continued to be friends with her.
Of course Clara never really cared – she was only doing what her religion told her to do – to earn points for herself in heaven. Who would actually put in this much effort just because they cared about me?
Sienna, June 2014, age 12
Maybe the monster didn’t understand. Whenever Sienna cried, he told her to “cut out the crocodile tears”. Whenever Sienna defended herself against a false accusation, the monster screamed for her to “stop with the excuses”. But they weren’t crocodile tears, and they weren’t excuses. Her tears meant she was truly upset, and her reasons were real and valid. Maybe he just didn’t know that.
Sienna began a mission of clarification. Whenever her monster curled his lip in anger, she did her best to remain calm. Even in the face of bared teeth and throaty growls, she explained her perspective.
This effort failed miserably. She found she couldn’t get a full sentence out before her monster interrupted her with screeches of anger. The more she tried explaining herself, the more enraged he became. If she stood her ground long enough, he lashed out with his razor-sharp tongue and cut her deeply. The cuts silenced her with pain and fear and left her with only her “crocodile tears” to defend her.
For some reason, no one ever commented on these horrible gashes the monster left behind. Maybe they couldn’t see them – or maybe they didn’t care so long as it wasn’t claw marks. No one ever spoke of tongue lashings as being a sign of living with a monster. No one treated them as a big deal.
After a while, Sienna learned to make her words cut too – though she didn’t have as sharp of a tongue as her monster. She learned to speak in short sentences and make her point quickly before he interrupted. She learned that a raised voice commanded some small bit of power.
It was a constant battle, and Sienna was always ready to fight. Sienna knew she could not make herself understood to her monster, but she always tried.
Sienna, October 2020, age 18
A couple of months into the school year, Sienna decided to try to even the score with Clara – not by fighting, but by being a good friend back. If Clara could be so calm and kind, why couldn’t Sienna? The hope that came along with this decision was thrilling. She wondered why it took her so long to decide to try.
Sienna, July 2018, age 16
Sienna had tried. She had tried so hard. Her mind was constantly racing, trying to do the right thing and make him happy.
“Don’t be such a chicken-shit.”
“Get your head out of your ass.”
“You’re so smart – figure it out!”
The monster’s list of her wrongs only seemed to grow daily, so she tried to fix it. Oh, how she wanted to fix it. Maybe she could even fix this broken relationship if she put in some effort.
Sienna bought a book about bonding in families and read it twice.
She wrote a note to her monster telling him in no uncertain terms how his actions as a monster had hurt her. But she also wrote that she had chosen to forgive him and wanted to start over with a clean slate. With her heart galloping away out of her chest, she slid the note under his bedroom door late one night.
The next morning, she awoke buzzing with anticipation. Had he read the note? Did he understand now? Did he care? Could they start again? Things could get better. She went upstairs and found him where he usually was – on his recliner in front of the big screen TV. She asked him if he saw the note.
Without looking away from the TV, he replied, “Yeah, Si, that was really nice.”
She went over to give him a hug. She tried ignoring the dry, flaky, blue scales and the purple back ridge that was now folded flat so he could recline in the chair. He wasn’t really a monster, right? She stepped around his tail. She wanted to make this work. She wanted change.
“Get out of the way! I’m trying to watch the game, Si! Damn it!” He flicked his tongue in a threat.
She retreated and then stood for a moment, dumbfounded. They had DVR. He could pause and rewind at will. Had this not occurred to him?
No. He knew. She just wasn’t important enough for him to go to the trouble. She vowed then that she would never dare to hope again. Trying wasn’t worth the pain of failure.
Sienna, October 2020, age 18
As Sienna tried to be a better friend to her roommate, she realized with horror how much she had to learn on the subject. During one argument with Clara about being woken up during a nap, Sienna was trying very hard to not yell or call names but just say why she was mad.
Then Clara said, “I’m sorry, Si. I didn’t know you were sleeping when I came in the room. If I had seen you in bed before I turned on the light, I never would have woken you. Maybe next time, you can leave a note on the door when you nap, so I will know and not wake you up. I’m really sorry I ruined your rest.”
Clara left Sienna totally befuddled. I’ve always known what an apology was, but I don’t think I’ve ever received one before. Have I ever given one? I don’t think so.
As Sienna worked to even the score with Clara, she saw more and more how her past, her time with her monster, had shaped her into the person she was today. She didn’t like that person.
She was away from her monster now. This was her chance to change and become something better.
Sienna, August 2016, age 14
“Nooo!!! I’ll be good!” Her own wails echoed in her head and in the small cabin of the truck as it whipped dangerously onto the gravel shoulder and skidded to a stop. The huge brute ducked his massive head to exit the truck and made his way around to Sienna’s door on the other side. The concussive stomps of his scaly, clawed feet shook the truck. With each step, Sienna’s heart beat faster and faster until she felt it would drum itself right out of her chest.
Before he got to her door, Sienna unbuckled and slid across the back, bench seat as far from the door as she could get. She tucked her feet under her on the seat and leaned down until her body was as small and insignificant as she felt at that moment. Her hyperventilating sobs were drowned out by the monster ripping the door open and roaring at full volume. The blood-chilling sound echoed off the nearby cliffs.
Before she knew what had happened, the brute dragged her out of the vehicle by her arm, wrenching her shoulder painfully. His claws poked into her small arm enough to hurt – never enough to leave a mark. He held the small Sienna close to his snout and bared his rows of sharp fangs at her. The monster roared in Sienna’s face smothering her in sweltering, rancid breath and thick, acidic spittle. It burned! Her face was burning, and there was no way to get rid of the viscous slime! As he held her aloft, he swung his tail around to the front and landed a hard blow on Sienna’s backside. She screamed in pain and shock. He struck her again and again and again whipping his tail around faster each time until Sienna could not even cry. Her mouth opened in a silent scream for help; her jaw ached from the strain, but still, no sound came out.
The beast flung Sienna back in the direction of the vehicle, his rage sated for the moment. Sienna climbed back in gingerly, sobbing now with a burned face and bruised backside. She tried meeting her mother’s gaze, pleading silently with her in the precious seconds before the monster rejoined them. But Sienna’s mother stared stubbornly out the window, a faraway look on her face. Sienna would find no help there. She was alone.
Sienna, October 2020, age 18
Sienna tried shaking off the memory and wiped a tear that had been threatening to fall. That was the last vacation she ever took with her mother and her monster. The presidents on Mt. Rushmore were witnesses to the whole act. She didn’t even remember what she had done that was so horrible as to elicit such a response from the monster.
“There was nothing you could have done to deserve that, sweetheart.” Clara was always using pet names like that.
Mt. Rushmore was the last, but certainly not the only vacation that turned sour – in fact, most of them did.
Sienna, July 2013, age 11
Wow, Niagara Falls! It’s huge! Did people really ride in barrels over it?
“Look! A boat!”
Sienna was so enthralled by the view that she didn’t notice her monster quietly padding up behind her. He could move silently when he wanted to. Without warning, he snatched her up in his claws and thrust her out over the concrete barrier. Before she could even process what had happened, she was looking down at the crashing water below her and falling to her death. She let out a screech, which the pounding water snuffed out entirely. Her heart jumped up into her throat, choking her so she could not scream again. After seconds that felt like lifetimes, she realized her monster had not dropped her to her death. Instead, he was holding her over the edge with a twisted grin on his face.
Again, with no warning, to cause as much fear as possible, he grabbed her by one ankle with his tail and released her with his claws. She fell with a scream until she was hanging upside down by one leg.
“Take a picture, hon,” her monster said to her mother.
With her head turned to one side, her mother said, “Oh, let her down.”
The monster’s grin disappeared. He repeated, “Take a picture.” There was no room in his tone for more arguments.
Her monster’s grin returned as suddenly as it had evaporated. Sienna’s mother obeyed and captured Sienna’s terror to keep and remember forever.
Sienna, October 2020, age 18
Telling Clara about these memories was supposed to help. It was supposed to get it out into the open so Sienna could heal. But speaking the words and telling the stories made it all too real. Part of her mind still wanted to believe none of it was true, but she couldn’t deny it if she said it out loud. She said she would never trust her monster again but telling Clara about the things he did felt like a betrayal.
It also felt kind of foolish – was it really as bad as she remembered? Were these few incidents really worth all this attention? Did she really live with a monster? Really? She had vacillated on the subject in her own mind many times in her youth, but only rarely was she brave enough to discuss it.
Sienna, June 2018, age 16
“Your father is not a monster, Sienna! How could you say that? He never clawed you, he never-”
“Yes he did!” Sienna interrupted. “Don’t you remember the time he misheard what I said, thought I insulted him, and clawed my neck as I tried leaving the bedroom? I went for the phone to call the police, but he shoved me into the wall, so I ran away from home. I didn’t come back for days. You were there! You saw the whole thing!”
“Oh, once. One time he scratched you. That does not make him a monster!”
“What about all the times he grabbed me and smacked me and roared in my face?”
“Well if you hadn’t been such a little brat, he wouldn’t have had to do those things!”
Sienna stomped away down the stairs toward her room. Maybe her mom was right. She wanted out. She wanted resolution, but maybe the resolution is just admitting it really wasn’t as bad as she was making it seem. She couldn’t deny that it could have been much worse.
Sienna, November 2020, age 18
Clara embraced Sienna. “I’m so glad you shared with me, hon.” Sienna still hadn’t decided if she liked the pet names. “That must have been so hard dealing with him without your mother’s support.”
As Clara helped her sort through her feelings on the subject, Sienna felt the balance of their relationship skewing even farther in Clara’s favor. The tension the unbalance built in Sienna threatened to tear her apart. Here she was trying to learn how to be a good friend and balancing the scales, but instead, she was burdening her amazing roommate with all these silly stories of an imagined monster.
What a drama queen.
But, now that Sienna thought about it, he’d always been so careful to never show his monster side in front of others. His hiding it proved he knew all along that he really was a despicable monster.
Sienna, December 2017, age 15
Only one time did anyone else get a glimpse of the monster she lived with. Sienna invited a friend over after school. All she knew consciously was having friends around made her feel safer, but her subconscious understood that the presence of a friend kept her monster from revealing himself.
Her friend, Ella, was in art class with Sienna, so they enjoyed getting together to create art of all kinds. On this day, they were painting. Sienna was working on a winter scene – snow-covered, rolling hills with a single tree in the distance.
This day, just this once, her monster forgot Sienna had company. Sienna and Ella were painting in silence in Sienna’s basement room when a rumbling roar shattered the calm of the evening. Both girls jumped and let out scared squeaks before freezing in fear. They listened as Sienna’s monster stomped his way across the house bellowing ferocious, ear-splitting roars as he went. Sienna’s mother must have done something to antagonize the beast - it was rare for him to lash out at her. Or maybe he just knocked his head on the ceiling fan again. It didn’t take a lot to provoke such a response from her monster.
As the monster’s rage filled the house and shook the foundations, Ella clung to Sienna’s neck, gathering Sienna’s tears in her hair as he continued to rage.
“I had no idea! You told me it was bad, but I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” Ella cried.
Once the noise subsided, the girls went back to their art, but there was no retrieving the calm atmosphere the monster had stolen. Sienna’s snowy hills turned into a cracked and dry hellscape with the tree forever burning on its hill. Ella went home early that day.
The events of that day ultimately changed nothing. Ella never mentioned the incident again, and neither did Sienna. What was there to say? The monster had not clawed them; he hadn’t breathed fire; he hadn’t even entered Sienna’s bedroom. It wasn’t really a monster attack. Who could they have told anyway?
Clara, November 2020, age 18
Clara had been listening to Sienna’s stories about her past for months now. They trickled out slowly like a leaky tap, one drop at a time, but Clara knew better than to rush Sienna. Clara worried that they would encounter a time when she was not equipped to help her roommate and Sienna’s past would drown them both. But so far, through prayer and faith, she had always found the right words to bring her friend comfort.
“I can’t do it anymore, Clara!” Sienna released the sudden exclamation into the silence of the dorm room as if a dam had burst.
Clara took a calming breath and mentally prepared. “Can’t do what, honey?”
“I can’t keep living this lie! I know I’m not worth your time, and I know I’m way too much trouble, and I hate that you keep wasting your energy on me! You could be out making real friends who can have a balanced friendship with you instead of me always in debt to you!”
Clara was familiar by now with Sienna’s habit of holding things in so that when they finally came out, everything was an exclamation. She didn’t let it bother her. “Sweetie, that’s not how friendships work. No one is keeping score. When-”
“I am!”
Clara was also used to Sienna interrupting her. She didn’t let that bother her either because she knew Sienna only did it because it was the only way for her to be heard in her family. She also knew Sienna never said anything that didn’t mean everything to her. So if Sienna interrupted, it was because something was extremely important to her.
Patience. She will learn. This is not the time for that battle. “What do you mean? How are you keeping score?”
Sienna explained in detail how friendships had to be balanced or they just weren’t worth it to the one with the higher score. People earned points with good deeds and lost them with mean comments or failures to help when possible. If the scores got too uneven, then it was smart for the one with the higher score to cut ties and go find a more mutually beneficial friendship.
This all made perfect sense to Sienna. Clara had no doubt that if Sienna felt she was the one with too high of a score, she would end the friendship without a look back.
“But, honey, that’s not how love works.” Clara saw the flash of shock on Sienna’s face. She was not used to hearing the word love – especially outside of a romantic or family context. “That’s a very pragmatic view on life, but I don’t think that is how Jesus sees things – and that’s really, really good for us. If Jesus waited until we balanced the score of the relationship, no one would get into heaven. We are only considered friends of God because Jesus died for us even when we owed him so much. We are called to love one another as he loves. You don’t have to earn my love or pay me back for my friendship. It’s a gift.”
Sienna crossed her arms and scowled, “That’s what I thought! I’m just a good deed to help you get into heaven! I don’t want to be your charity case!”
Clara laughed. Part of her wanted to cry, and part of her wanted to walk out in exasperation, but she laughed instead. “No, sweetheart, that’s not what I said. I can’t earn my way into heaven with good deeds any more than you can, so loving you isn’t to earn anything – not from you or God. Loving you is just the right thing to do. You need it, and I am here and can provide what you need.” I hope.
Echoes of this conversation occurred a dozen or more times in the following weeks. Sienna always took more time than most to believe and trust.
The truth is, Sienna exhausted Clara. She was doing everything she could do to be a good friend to Sienna, but as the months wore on, Sienna’s issues seemed to become worse rather than better.
Sienna, April 2020, age 17
Sienna had always heard of “fight or flight”, but really the mind’s options are “fight, flight, or freeze”. Often in the face of a predator much too large and powerful to even comprehend, the brain and body simply freeze.
His gargantuan, clawed hind limbs shook the walls around her as he stomped down the stairs beside her bedroom. By the time his blue, scaly body rounded the corner into her room, Sienna was so terrified she could not move. The purple sail on his back and head stood erect except where it bent as it brushed against the ceiling. His teeth were already bared, and a throaty growl was building in volume. Despite her frozen posture and petrified gaze, he bellowed out the greatest roar he could muster as if fighting for his very life.
Acidic accusation spewed out of his opened throat and splattered her with sticky, burning spit. Though the accusation was false, Sienna knew better than to try fighting back. That only ever made things worse. The burn of the acid still dripping down her body finally broke her from the freeze response. There was no way to fight this one. She pulled the blanket over her head. Even though it could not stop the acid, it made her feel just a tiny bit protected, like she was doing something.
She lay curled on her side cowering under the blanket like a tiny child for what seemed like hours as he spewed more and more acidic accusations of wrongdoing at her. Some were true but trivial, like leaving a cupboard door open, and some were just plain false. She thought it would never end. She closed her eyes and rocked back and forth trying to forget he was there. The endless attack had her thinking of escape, but he was right there at the side of her bed, towering over her. There was no escape, only survival.
After that day, Sienna could find no peace in her bedroom. The monster had violated her sanctuary. It would never feel safe again. She often woke from a dead sleep to the sound of the monster’s stomping overhead. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the ceiling and listened… would he stop at the fridge above her room, or was he coming to the stairs? Coming down for her?
Sienna, November 2020, age 18
Even after leaving that place behind, sleep was no sanctuary. It was as if the monster had implanted a part of him into her mind. Maybe the acid that left burns no one else could see soaked in and stayed with her somehow.
She dreamed of running from him with his razor-sharp claws on scaly forelimbs reaching after her. No matter how fast she ran though, he always won in the end. Sometimes he breathed fire on her, sometimes it was his claws impaling her. In one dream, he grew even beyond his already massive stature until, laughing, he took one huge step, and crushed her underfoot. After waking with a scream, she could still see his calloused, black footpad coming down to crush the life out of her.
Those dreams were terrifying, but the dreams where she fought back were worse. She faced him and told him all the things he needed to hear. She told him how terrible he was to her and how badly he had scarred her (no matter that the scars were invisible). She yelled and screamed all the things she wanted to say to him in real life, but unlike real life, in her dreams, he did not react. He just stood there and stared. She became angrier and angrier, piling more and more blame upon his shoulders despite his emotionless face. Inevitably she got so worked up, she shouted some profanity out loud and woke herself up – along with her roommate. These dreams reminded her that, like in real life, nothing she did or said had any effect on him.
Sienna, November 2020, age 18
Sienna had opted not to return to her parent’s house at all during the first quarter. The distance had been good for her. But Thanksgiving break left her with few options. The dorms closed, and the school expected the students to go home, so she did.
Months away made the incremental changes of aging more obvious. Her monster had grown older. His blue scales were beginning to turn grey along the edges. His purple back fin was just slightly duller in color than before. He seemed somehow calmer too.
“Your father’s been thinking a lot about life since you left,” her mother said. “Having an empty nest has really changed him.”
While Sienna lived there, the monster directed a vast majority of his outbursts at Sienna. Very rarely did Sienna’s mother step out of line enough to earn the monster’s wrath. Sienna had worried that when she left the home, the monster’s rage would turn upon her mother. She wasn’t sure how she felt at the revelation that he had not turned on her mother – he just… calmed down.
Maybe I really was the problem all along.
Walking was one of life’s simplest joys for Sienna. Her whole family loved walking. On Thanksgiving night, her monster asked her to join him on a walk. Things had been going well, and Sienna was happy to join. For the first mile, the walk was refreshing and enjoyable, but then the conversation changed - without warning. Before Sienna knew what was happening, her monster was talking about the past, and their life together. He began speaking about his own father – he called him a monster. He said his monster father would claw him and his brothers regularly. He described horrible burns inflicted by his own monster. He talked about being glad when he finally left home.
Then Sienna’s monster did the unthinkable – he congratulated himself for being so different from his monster. “I may have had a temper, but at least I never clawed you. I promised myself I would do better than him, and I really did.”
Sienna stopped in her tracks. The words struck her like a blow to the face. Had he really just said that? It wasn’t until that moment Sienna realized she had convinced herself that he understood what he had done. She didn’t even know it until he proved it to be untrue. She believed he hadn’t just “mellowed with age” but had actually understood the gravity of his actions and felt sorry. She believed that was why he hadn’t acted like a monster recently.
It was not in Sienna’s nature to be left speechless for long. “What the hell?! Yes, you did! So what if it was only once? You hit me with your tail all the time! You cut me with your tongue and belched your sticky acid all over me my whole life!” Sienna screamed. “You terrorized me, and you still haunt my dreams! You’re a monster! You’ve always been a monster!”
Her monster reeled back in confusion. Shocked that his self-praise had turned into such accusations. He looked around to make sure no one else was around and spotted a small crowd of people at a nearby gas station glancing their way. “Shh. Si, you’re going to get me arrested.”
“That’s what you care about right now?!” The monster ducked down to look less imposing and gestured with his clawed limb for her to lower her voice. Sienna ignored him and yelled louder. “Even now?! All you can think about is yourself. You don’t give a damn how you tortured me!” Sienna turned on her heel and walked back the way they had come. Her monster stood there for a moment and then turned to continue the loop the way they had been going.
Only once he was out of view did the cork of anger pop under the pressure and release all the other emotions that had been fizzing deeper down.
She couldn’t breathe.
He thought he had never hurt her.
She sipped the tiniest bit of air.
He said he had never clawed her.
Her heart fluttered in her chest, begging for air.
He never grew up. He never got better. He just compared himself to his own monster and called that a success! What a narrow-minded, self-absorbed, abusive monster, piece of –
Sienna woke up in a snowdrift on the edge of the sidewalk. Her heart rate was back to normal, but now that the anger, disbelief, panic, and all the other unnamable emotions had all flown out of her, she was left in the deepest, darkest pit of self-pity. She spent over an hour in that pit, lying in that snowdrift. She sobbed and wailed until she had no more tears and her throat ached. Finally, the cold drove her to get up. She went back to her car and got on the freeway. This visit was over.
Clara, November 2020, age 18
The nightmares worsened after that visit. There was no way for either girl to ignore them with so many of them ending in Sienna yelling out horrible obscenities.
“I’ve got to get away from him, Clara!”
“You are away from him, sweetheart.” Clara tried keeping her own fear out of her voice.
“But I’m not! He’s still here!” Sienna pounded on her head with her fist. “How do I make it stop?!”
I wish I knew. “Maybe you need to talk to him?”
“NO! I’ve done that! I’ve tried that over and over my whole life and it only makes things worse!”
“Well.” Clara really wanted Sienna to calm down. Waking to nightmares every night had them both on edge. “Maybe you should just end it then.”
“End what?”
“The relationship. Just say you’re not going back there again and not talking to him again.”
Silence. Clara had never seen Sienna in a state of speechlessness before. She could see the gears turning behind Sienna’s eyes.
“But how? How would I live? They won’t pay for my phone forever. Where would I go for the summer, or after graduation? Christmas break is coming up in 2 weeks! I can’t go back there, Clara!”
“Shh.” The gentle girl wrapped Sienna in a soft embrace. “One problem at a time. Why don’t I ask my mom if you can come to our house for Christmas break?”
Sienna, December 2016, age 14
Sienna hated Christmas. She hated the music. She hated the decorations. She hated the expectation of buying gifts. But most of all she hated the obligatory family events.
“Damn it, Si, you need to balance the ornaments! There are too many at the bottom and not enough at the top.”
Her monster was always angry while setting up the Christmas tree. Perhaps it was the physical strain of hauling the artificial tree out of the attic and moving the living room furniture around. Or maybe it was that every year he found at least one of his prized hand-blown glass ornaments broken from its time in storage. Those had their own special spot on the window frame, never the tree. Either way, Sienna had to behave as if she were walking on those glass pieces for this “festive” family event. Her efforts were never enough.
“I can’t reach the top!”
The monster sighed a deep, rumbling sigh that held a threat. Then he snatched some ornaments from the bottom half of the tree and carelessly flung them to top branches, dropping a few along the way and angering himself even more.
Sienna carefully and quietly slipped out of the living room and down to her bedroom. She expected him to bellow for her to come back, but this time he didn’t. Family duty accomplished, and no bloodshed… this year… so far.
Sienna, December 2020, age 18
“Mother, no! I told you. I never want to see him again. I have made my decision, and it’s not changing!”
That last conversation with her mother still echoed in her head. It was the best thing Sienna had ever done for herself. She couldn’t convince the world she lived with a monster. She couldn’t even convince her own mother, but she could choose to never put herself in danger ever again.
“We’re so pleased to have you over for winter break, Sienna.” Clara’s mother offered a sincere smile into the rear-view mirror.
Clara’s younger sister greeted them at the door with a smile full of metal braces and a deep hug for Sienna and Clara, in that order. Even the beagle greeted her first with a happy sniff, tail wagging. Sienna thought she would feel awkward invading this family’s home over the holidays, but it seemed like everyone in this happy family was truly pleased to have her there.
In the week before Christmas, Clara and Sienna spent every moment together. They went to coffee shops, met up with Clara’s friends, and hung out with the family. Discussions of the monster were few. Without Sienna noticing, the nightmares lessened.
Despite this relaxing environment, Sienna could find no peace. Though the monster had offered no argument to Sienna’s decision to stay with Clara over winter break, Sienna’s mother would not let the subject drop. Sienna’s mother was no monster, but she had lived with Sienna’s monster for the past 30 years, so she had honed the tactics of guilt and shame to a fine point. After weeks of not responding to her mother’s calls, emails, and texts, Sienna could take the pressure no longer. The day after Christmas, she answered the phone call.
“You have to let me come over. Just to talk. You’re my daughter. I need to see you.”
“Fine. But just you – no monster!”
Sienna’s mother let out a long, exasperated sigh that reiterated a month of arguing in one moment. Then she hung up.
Sienna was nervous to meet with her mother, and already exhausted by the constant repetition of the same argument over and over. Her mother sure did know how to wear down a person’s resolve.
Sienna asked Clara and her family for some privacy in the den and went rummaging through the cupboards. She found the bottle of sparkling grape juice that was intended for the New Year’s Eve celebration and brought it to the den. She would replace it before the New Year’s Eve party. She selected two wine glasses from the cupboard, placed them, with the juice, in the den and sat awaiting her mother’s arrival.
Sienna examined the wine glass in her hand. She held it by the base, and the top had broken off at the stem. The break was clean, like a candy cane that had been licked only on one side, so it formed a slope with a sharp tip. The comparison was made even more apt by the sickly-sweet crimson liquid that made trails down the stem and on to Sienna’s hand.
Sienna released the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding and refocused her attention to the figure past her candy cane wine glass. The very human body was lying prone on the floor. His torso was speckled with small, red holes shrouded in drying blood. Why had her mother brought him? Sienna had made it clear she never wanted to see him again. Well, here he was.
Clara, December 2020, age 18
“I really thought she was getting better.” Clara sat, head bowed. She lifted her tear-streaked face to meet the eyes of her pastor.
“Maybe she was.” The pastor’s kind eyes mirrored her own sorrow. “I do believe your faithful love was helping her, but you can’t expect to heal 18 years of wounds in three months.”
Clara had come to her pastor seeking absolution, and he had just offered it, but it did nothing to ease her guilt.
“I should have done more. I should have been with her when her mom arrived. I tried to get her to go to counseling, you know?” The statement came out sounding more defensive than she intended.
“Well, she is in God’s hands now. Maybe this isn’t the end of her story.”
Sienna, December 2020, age 18
Sienna was in jail. She could not recall how she had arrived there. Her court-appointed lawyer informed her that if she attempted a self-defense plea, her mother was prepared to testify against her.
With a guilty plea, it didn’t take long for Sienna to be moved from jail to prison. They told her she would never see the outside of those walls again. Life without the chance of parole.
Sienna awoke to sore hips after another night on the thin mattress. She stared at the concrete wall six feet away from her – the other side of her world.
She hadn’t dreamed. Sienna had never felt so free.
Discussion Questions
Sienna’s father says that he was better than his father, because he was rarely physically violent. Is that true, is Sienna’s father better? Is her father “stopping” the cycle?
What, if anything, could Sienna have done to reach her father and help him understand how his aggressive words and actions affected her? Is there anything that would have helped?
Are Sienna’s defense mechanisms growing up (lashing out, keeping score, etc.) a healthy response to her father’s aggression? What, if anything, could have been a better defense against his abuse?
Clara has nearly unlimited grace and patience with Sienna’s emotional issues. Is it possible for a non-religious person to be equally thoughtful and understanding? Is Clara’s religious faith the thing that causes her to be the way she is?
Clara says that love is about not keeping score. Is friendship also about not keeping score? Are all our interactions with others about not keeping score? Should we simply not keep score?
Relationships are not about keeping score, but a relationship that is too lopsided will eventually topple over. Clara and Sienna’s friendship was headed that way, with Clara in perpetual rescuer mode.
I, too, had a monster, and I am now in my 60s. The story’s ending wraps up Sienna’s emotional journey neatly, but in real life this kind of chronic abuse and neglect takes a lifetime to heal and the scars are a part of who you are until the day you die.
1. I want to believe that Sienna's father was better than his father - because he so badly wanted and needed to believe it. He may also have been looking around at other people and/or monsters in his community - or the monster that he didn't think himself to be.
When Sienna's father went into Sienna with the razor blade, that was physical violence.
Some people are monsters because they groom other people; some people are monsters because they are neglectful of people's needs.
He kept the cycle up because he evaded justice. Sienna couldn't.
2. Sienna could have found space and time for herself and defended these or simply lived in them. She could have found supportive relationships like the one with Ella - and developed weak ties with people in the neighbourhood. She could have talked about her fears and vulnerabilities - if not about herself; then about other people in the third person.
She could have shown interest in him as a person.
Some of these come in as "not a child's job". Even though they would be the right/ideal things to do.
3. Sierra's lashing out comes out of her fight response - if it was temporary it would have been healthy.
Keeping score might at first have been from a hope that he would be held accountable - and that she would never forget what was done to her.
Developing her artistic talent and planning for a life away from him.
Making an impact statement and involving the elders and peers of her community.
Bringing things into the light.
4. Yes, it is possible for a non-religious person to be equally thoughtful and understanding.
We can use psychology and philosophy to do this - as well as be aware of our own limits and the other person's.
There are many things which cause Clara to be the way she is. Her choices; the way she was received by her family and community. Things that may have happened in her own life and the lives of others.
Grace and patience are so important!
5. There is a reason that score-keeping is a role in sport.
When people are learning to be with each other they need a sense of pattern and of meaning.
The things which are meaningful in love and in friendship are similar and different in each case.
Keeping score can be a way of protecting ourselves and the other person/people.
Something about pulling it into the open and knowing that's what we are doing - so we can stop or continue.
The "notch" concept is probably another form of abuse.
And a point is a signal.
How important it would have been for Sienna to invest in relationships away from her monstering.
And remember - "The Body Keeps the Score".
Also focusing on how and why we play the game.
Probably not trying to blame or judge people who do keep score.